My high school reunion is coming up in June.  Needless to say I’m a-dither about looking good.  Here’s the problem:  When I put pressure on myself to lose weight, my body thinks it hears ‘Pack on the pounds!’ and voila, I gain instead. 

Ahhh, the brain. 

As I am quoted in the May 5, 2009 issue of Woman’s Day Magazine (pg. 118), “I keep losing and gaining the same 10 lbs.”  And after recently eating my way through Cabo, New Orleans and New York, I am sitting squarely on top of that 10 lbs. 

So, here’s my plan.  I’ll focus on ‘not gaining weight’ instead of…dare i say it… losing weight, by June 19th.  I’ll use little tricks to get my brain to think I’m just being a good girl, not really trying to lose weight, and I’ll TRICK it into doing my bidding. Diabolical, or merely pathetic?  Either way, if I get started not gaining weight now, I should be right where I want to be in  65 days.

My NO GAIN Plan:

• Continue the daily walks, but go faster so… so… I can get to work earlier.  Yeah!  Jog, walk, jog, walk.  I’ll imagine I’m being chased by someone who wants to tickle me.  It will improve bladder control.  Maybe I’ll take a longer walk too.  For my dog’s sake, not mine.

• When I get home from work I’ll relax with “Pilates for Weight Loss”.  Only I won’t call it Pilates for Weight Loss.  I’ll call it Pilates for People Who Don’t Want to Gain Weight, or  better yet Pilates for Calm, Flexible, Happy People.  Or something shorter.  Todd will do it with me and I’ll pretend it is all for him.  That I’m teaching him to relax.  Yeah.  If I end up looking all lean and cool, so be it.

• Our hikes will become ‘nature hikes’ but they’ll be FAST nature hikes.  And I won’t call them hikes. I’ll call them ‘quick walks up and down steep hills’… or maybe something shorter.  I’ll concentrate on the flora and fauna of the beautiful desert as I whisk by, calling out each cactus and snake by name.

• I’ll say no to white food.  It’s gauche to eat white before memorial day.  Vegetables and fruits will be my friend and everything else,  merely acquaintances.  An apple a day will keep the doctor away.  And my Slim Fast lunches?  I imbibe strictly for the great taste, efficiency, daily fiber and joys of regularity.  

• I’ll take my balance training products outside so I’ll have something to do while becoming one with nature.   Who cares if I get a strong core and killer abs in the process?  The important thing is that I will be grounded, free of stress and I won’t wobble like a weeble when I’m old.  For inspiration I’ll re-read my article 21 Reasons to Improve Your Balance.  Break it down, Val… you’re on a roll.

• I’ll hold my hand weights high in the air as I cheer the contestants on American Idol and The Biggest Loser.  All in the name of good will and for the sake of the nation.  I may even stand up and jump up and down – or perhaps I will fall on the floor into an impromptu push-up.

• I’ll be environmentally friendly and ride my bike to the store.  Okay, I probably won’t do this.  I’m just saying it is possible… if I had a basket to hold my stuff in.

• Vodka will be the devil, except on weekends when its horns magically vanish and it becomes a garnish for my soda water & limes.  And wine, well,  wine…. um… hmmm…my beautiful, bountiful wine…  I love wine.  I’ll drink only one glass of red wine (at a time) and it will be strictly for the heart healthy flavinoids and support of the wine growers.

I seriously think that’s about the best I can do.  Too much self-deception can’t be good for the soul right?  So, wish me luck and I’ll let you know how it goes.  If this doesn’t work I may need to convince myself to GAIN weight before the reunion.   A little reverse psychology. 

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-v